i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
