i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
