can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
