so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
