She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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