i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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