In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I pour the whiskey from now on
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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