Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
