Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
