U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
