If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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