There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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