I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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