I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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