HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
