My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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