update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
