My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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