im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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