i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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