Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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