JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
