This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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