I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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