If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
