I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
