I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
