About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
