I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
