I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
