He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize
