Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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