do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
