its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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