I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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