guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
