we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
