WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
