I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize