just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize