I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
