I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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