The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
