Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
