just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
