can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
