I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
