yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
