I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
