Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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