My cat gives me a boner
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
