Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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