Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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