I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
