I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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