I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
