it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't deserve a penis
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
