How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
