I want to have your abortion
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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