My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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