That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
